Experts offer advice on curbing the chaos to achieve a dignified divorce

By Anne Pedersen | For the Journal

Divorcing? It may be the season, if you believe the accounts oft-quoted by family lawyers that January is the busiest season for people initiating a divorce.

Albuquerque family law attorney Gretchen Walther says the volume of calls from potential clients always goes up in January. “It’s clearly much higher,” she says.

Want to keep the ugliness to a minimum and maintain your selfrespect? Here are strategies to consider.

(ILLUSTRATION BY RUSS BALL/JOURNAL)

Emotions are the biggest barrier to a dignified split, Walther says. Divorcing people are stressed, often to the point of being “emotionally impaired,” and her job is to help people not make decisions in that mind frame.

Santa Fe husband-and-wife psychotherapists John and Sati Kohn concur. Typically, “it’s hard for people to go through the initial stages soberly. Parents are so emotional they can’t make good decisions for their kids.”

In that first phase, of anger, hurt and chaos, it’s vital that everyone stabilize, says John Kohn.

Walther asks clients to participate in counseling while divorcing, to develop tools to cope. “If they don’t, they can’t make good legal decisions,” she says.

If counseling isn’t feasible, both Kohns advise finding someone to talk to who can offer perspective, perhaps clergy or wiser, calmer friends who are more objective about the situation.

To those who want to divorce immediately, the Kohns say slow down and make sure this is the right thing. As for those who prolong the process, “we want to get them unstuck.”

New Mexico is a no-fault divorce state, Walther says, and even if one party doesn’t want a divorce, it will eventually happen. The more drawn-out the process, the more expensive it can be, she adds.

For the children

Divorcing couples with children need to be able to work together down the road, says Walther, and it’s vital they cultivate a businesslike relationship going forward. “High-conflict divorce is setting your kid up for failure, period.”

Yes, negative emotions run high, but “you have to rise above what you might be feeling,” warns Sati Kohn. “Don’t punish each other through the kids.”

Walther often uses empathy work with clients, encouraging them to see the situation from the other person’s perspective.

There are cognitive ways to defuse feelings of rejection, betrayal, fear and deep grief, the Kohns advise. “You have to remember who this person was. Nobody’s all bad,” says John Kohn.

Using memory in a positive way can open the door to a more balanced view of the relationship.

Key points both Kohns stress: Never criticize the other parent in front of the children. Continuity is key; keep children’s lives as intact as possible. (One family she counseled even sent the family pet back and forth with the kids, says Sati Kohn.)

Have similar expectations, schedules and rituals at both houses. Allow a child to talk to the absent parent while not at his or her house. Make clear to children that they can talk to you about how they’re feeling.

Parents need to communicate to their children that they’re not divorcing them, says John Kohn. Most children long for their parents to get back together, but he advises parents to say, “ ‘We both love you, but we don’t work together.’ ”

To become excessively dependent on a child or use him or her as a confidante during the split is a disaster and abusive, says Sati Kohn. If you’re tempted to do this, “get busy and create a new life,” says John Kohn.

Do your best to be civil to one another in potentially explosive situations like child handoffs, says John Kohn. “We don’t have any magic here.”

Remember your children will remain part of your ex-spouse’s family, says Sati Kohn, and these relationships need to be maintained, cultivated and respected.

Walther concurs, adding “you have to figure out how to conduct yourself in a way that will allow for that to happen.”

If grandparents take sides, they need to be asked to be supportive of the whole family, says John Kohn.

The future ahead

With new relationships, you have to move in stages, John Kohn advises. “Don’t bring people around unless there’s real potential,” adds Sati Kohn.

If possible, tell your ex about any new partner before you tell your kids. If the information is a surprise, it can be degrading, says Walther.

Dissolving a marriage inevitably means divvying up stuff as well. “The ideal is to be fair,” says Sati Kohn. “If money becomes a weapon, it’s not good.”

Jerome Johnson, an Albuquerque certified public accountant who specializes in divorce, agrees, although he says “everyone has a different interpretation of what fair is. At the end of the day, I try and bring it back to real life.”

He urges clients to temper unreal expectations. It’s not a plus for anyone if one partner ends up with a million dollar house, the other a trailer.

Child support by New Mexico statute is pretty cut and dried, but issues of spousal support, health insurance, jointly owned real estate, businesses, retirement accounts and investments are best resolved by some fair equalization, he says.

The first year of any divorce is “really, really hard,” says John Kohn, but there can be a sense of freedom and relief going forward.

“If you can be mindful, treat each other with kindness, it’s really good for the children and ultimately good for you,” adds Sati Kohn. “The greatest healer is time.”

Albuquerque family lawyer Gretchen Walther says emotions are the biggest barrier to divorcing with dignity. She urges clients to seek counseling, to develop tools to cope. “If they don’t, they can’t make good legal decisions.” (COURTESY OF GRETCHEN WALTHER/WALTHER FAMILY LAW)

While for some couples, divorce is inevitable — “some people shouldn’t be together” — she believes that many marriages would be in better shape if people got on the same page about issues such as money, children and work before they got married.